It's the end~*

My hands are trembling rite now. I can’t even focus on my fave show, desperate housewife. In fact I don’t know what to do now… i hope to let this pain go by sharing it in this beloved blog of mine..

Tadi pergi tgk wayang. Alone. Citer pirates of the carribean ; dead man’s chest. Bapak lar best citer dia~! Tapi tak puas hati dgn ending. Definitely akan ada sambungannya~

After that show, I got a call. My hubby dah balik kajang~! Yeayy~! Dia cuti seminggu. We met at Mines. Seeking for cd’s. We ate. Then balik. He accompanied me to my car since we came in separately.

I’m not a good story teller rite now. But directly cakap, we broke up. I wasn’t ready for it. I was shocked. Stunned. Silents fulfilled my car….

“Why…..?”
“I’m sorry sayang. I really tak tahu macam mana nak cakap….” [dia tunduk]
Silence. Trying to make things easy for him… then..
“Awak dah ada org lain ye…” [dia angguk perlahan]
Silence. It was the moment I felt a lightning strikes my heart.
“ I’m so sorry. I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. You’re the most amazing girl I ever met. Sayang adalah wanita paling tabah pernah I jumpa, the most understanding girl I ever met, sayang tak pernah melenting kat abang, sayang adalah perempuan yg paling tahan dgn perangai abang.. nih semua salah abang. Hati abang nih dah takde… i dah takde rasa feeling tu. Please don’t blame yourself. Seriously u takde buat salah.. u sgt penyabar, sgt memahami.Cuma my heart….. dah takde. And its all my fault”
Slowly, I cant even felt my feet. I looked at him blankly. Dunno wat to feel.
“please lar sayang, if you feel like nak marah, luahkan la sekarang. Marah la kat i… this is definitely my fault” he looked at me, pleading me to let go my feelings… but to tell you the truth…
“macam mana saya nak marah awk kalau saya takde perasaan tu? Definitely wat I want now is I want u back…” [still blank masa ckp nih]
“I’m so sorry dear…. Saya dah buat awk mcm nie. Saya lepas kan awk, takkan awk nak balik kat saya.. lagipun, bukan senang saya nak ckp ni. Dah sebulan setgh saya fikirkan tentang perkara nie.”
“apa yg ada kat perempuan tu yg saya takde? Sebab saya takde pape ye?”
“apa sayang mengarut nie, seriously, awk mmg lebih daripada dia. Itu mmg saya tak nafikan. Cuma….” [dia letakkan tgn di hati dia sambil menggeleng means perasaan dia dah takde pada ku]
I dunno wat to say. I just smile and finally…
“Saya takde rasa marah kat awk. Cuma hati awk dah berubah. Saya tak leh nak buat apa. Cuma saya ada masalah besar la sekarang nie. Mcm mana saya nak keluarkan awk dari hati saya? But it’s ok, its not ur problem anymore. I’ll handle it. It’s ok. I’ll be fine” [I gave him the sweetest smile that really comes from my heart.]
And then there it was…. The guiltiest face I ever seen. He gave me the look yg mcm-tak-percaya. He said he never met a very tabah girl like me. He knew I still love him like always coz that’s what I said in between our conversation. And yeah, I did ask for peluang.
“takde ruang langsung ke untuk saya?”
“sayang.. takkan lar u nak tunggu i yg mmg dah takde perasaan lagi nie? Cukup lar u seksa diri macam nie. Please don’t wait for me anymore. I hope u get a better person than me” he looked as if he is pleading me to leave him.
“betol jugak tu.. takkan saya nak tggu org yg dah mmg takde perasaan kat saya kan? Takper lah. At least u did it in the rite way. being honest. ermm… is it becoz I’m not there? Sebab jauh? Or maybe sebab saya tua sgt ke?” [still demanding for answers]
“sayang.. please lar.. jgn mcm nie. Awk takde salah langsung. Saya yg bersalah sebab hati saya yg dah berubah. Saya tak nak berlaku unfair kat awk. U are so amazing and I think I’m not that good enuf for you.” [I was looking forward, buat2 tak dgr apa dia ckp]
“she must be younger kan? Working there.. always in front of you..” [dia angguk perlahan]
“she’s 21. Org yg kerja kat my hospital” at the end of this conversation, seriously I was feelingless. Takde perasaan.
“mcm ni lar. Saya doakan kebahagiaan awk. I just want her to make you happy like u did to me. And please, don’t treat her the way u treat me. Takde perempuan yg akan tahan. Call la dia selalu, sms la selalu, miscall la selalu sebab menda2 kecik mcm tu la yg perempuan appreciate. U have to understand that…” he looked confius but finally nodded.
“u kan tahu i tak suka sgt kontek2 mcm tue….” [masih dgn muka confius]
“that’s my point. Awak nak tackle dia tapi cara awk memberi komitmen ni, directly saya cakap dgn awk, takde perempuan yg akan tahan dgn awk. I just want u to be happy. That’s all.” I smiled. And everytime I smile, he looked so guilty. Like I said, the guiltiest face. I knew dia tak tahan dgn my sikap tenang.
“So this is it lar? Sampai sini lar hubungan kita nie?” [still giving him this hopeful-look]
Dia angguk. “I’m so sorry” was his last words before he went out. I waved him goodbye and gave him my last smile. He just walked off and I looked at him, thinking back what just happened…..

It happened ptg tadi. I glance my mobile device to see the date and it was 18th July 2006. Genap~! 18th October 2003 till 18th July 2006. I cant even count now but I know its more than 2 years. I lost my love, my hope and my dream. I’m still in shock. Yang tahu sekarang ni is his sister, Syada. I went to see her after I broke up. I tried to call someone tapi tak berangkat pulak ;( So I decided to see Syada, my adik ipar-tak-jadi. She tried to persuade me but we end up giggling and laughing at each other. [Trying to cheer me up in the middle of my frustration] She was definitely not happy and said “mak mesti marah abang sebab mak dah suruh abang masuk minang kak zuraiha tahun nie. Kami dah pilih baju dah utk akk”
Suddenly, her eyes full with tears. I persuade her and told her…
“it’s ok lar syada.. dah mmg takde jodoh kami. Hati dia dah berubah, akk tak boley buat apa. I want to fight for him, but I’m all mess up myself. Akk kene kuatkan diri dulu sebelum nak bangkit fight utk dia. Or maybe, tak fight kot, he made it clear that he wont come back to me…..” then syada burst her tears.
“Syada nak cari lar perampas tu. Syada dapat rasakan ini semua sementara saje. Abang mesti nak balik kat kak Zuraiha. Abang tgh mabuk tuh. dia akn dtg balik kat akak. Syada ada instinct.” That was her words that kinda brighten me a bit tapi cepat2 sedar diri.
“Cukup lar Syada. Akk dah takde hati. Nak kutip balik pun, tak tahu nak kutip kat mana.”
I laughed in my midst of sadness. Trying to persuade myself too I guess. [pelakon yg baik?]
“Akk mmg pecah rekod lar. Mana ada org clash ketawa2 mcm nie. Akk sedih sgt2 sebenarnyer kan? Akk menangis jer lah. Jgn simpan2 tahan2. Sakit kan?”
Masa Syada ckp nie, hatiku dah tersentuh. Dia lah insan pertama yg berjaya keluarkan my tears. [boley pulak masa ni keluar lagu smallville… ‘ I cant stand to fly.. I’m not that naïve..’ aiseh… lupa tajuk] cepat2 kesat mata. Mana boley kalah dgn perasaan sendiri. Her simpati is the last thing I ever wanted. It will make me feel weak. Mcm kryptonite punyer batu melemahkan superman, mcm tu lar penangan simpati org terhadap diriku.

“Akak… jangan simpan2. Luahkan je. Syada pun remuk jugak nie sebab Syada takkan terima org lain sebg kakak ipar syada!”
I realize, apa hal lar aku pergi carik perempuan nie. Bertambah sedih. I just want to apologize for all the wrong things I ever done to her and most of all, I want her to send my regards to her mum. Mak yg telah byk taburkan kebaikan pada diriku.
“Mcm ni lar Syada, nothing change between us ok? Hubungan akk dgn awk n mak pun tetap mcm dulu. Kalau di jemput dtg rumah, insya-ALLAH akk dtg. [bisik] tapi make sure abg awk takde” then we burst out laughing again… [aiseh.. ni sape pujuk sape nie?]
Syada gave me her simpati look. I hate that look, so I persuade her…
“Syada.. sama ada akk sedih or happy, akk tetap dah clash. Sama jer. So, apa guna sedih2? Akk tak nak sedih2. Nnt sakit. And I want u to make me happy. Tolong jgn buat muka sedih mcm tu” she forced her smile.
“Kak Zuraiha… akk tggu lebih 2 tahun tau…”
“Dah.. dah.. cukup~!!”

Rasa nyer aku dah mengarut nie. I feel blank. Feelingless. I can’t even feel my fingers on this keyboard or my feet on the floor. I need to get back on track. But Syada is rite. I cant deny what I feel. Remuknya hati nie, Tuhan je tahu. Good thing I still have a little love for myself, so that I won’t be doing stupid stuffs if anything like this happens...

Lebih 2 tahun tersia-sia mcm tu je. Regrets? I don’t feel that.. Sedih? Entah lar.. Kecewa? I don’t want to even think about it. Life goes on. But I know I can’t go on yet. I need to kutip balik those pieces of me [masa balik dgr lagu ashlee simpson-pieces of me] so that I can have my feelings back. I’m blur and blank and need time to think back. It’s so heavy carrying this burden but yeah…. Ada org pernah ckp, kalau kita sayang org tu, tak semestinye kita akan hidup bersama org tu. Now I know how it feels. Pain. Great pain. Really great pain. And worse is, this pain is not going away. I don’t intend to keep it, but trust me, it doesn’t want to come out yet. Sampai sekarang, tak sampai 3 helai tisu pun yg kesat air mata ni. I want to let it go but I don’t know how. And this pain is totally hurting me. I don’t know wat to do. I just hope that by sharing the world what I feel, I can ease up my pain or let it go a bit coz I want to be back on my life track again and i need my Lord for that...

To all my blogger friends... i'm so sorry guys [sorry to you]... I guess I need to hibernate till I’m back on my feet… ;(