Friday, October 05, 2007


Tahun ni takde langsung mood nak raya. [tapi baju raya dah siap 5 bulan lepas. Haha~] The only thing that keeps me going is only to see my lil sisters jumping up and down when they get their new baju raya. Other than that, I just feel plain and dull. Why? Let me tell you why…

Family matters. Sorry I cant reveal it coz I still care about my family’s pride. But the matter its just huge enough for me to tell you guys that I’m not quite happy in this house right now. I hate every decision that is made and even my nenek said, “anak2 tertindas”. My maklong even wake up 3a.m in the morning just to pray for us anak beranak. Trust me, I even seek advice from several ustaz. Some even said “…ustaz nasihatkan, kalau perlu, keluar lah dari rumah itu agar keadaan tidak bertambah keruh… ” and every ustaz that i seek advice for will give the same respond-geleng2 kepala sambil beristighfar-kesian-kamu-hanya-ALLAH-saje-boleh-melindungi… Some even offered to bring my case to the court. Sounds chronic huh? You can say that. It’s just so cruel right now. The only thing that keeping us in this house is just because “tak nak sakitkan hati umi…. Selagi boleh sabar, kita sabar lah…” maybe one day, *kalau dah tak tahan sangat*, I might reveal it…. Sorry but enough said!

One day I had this dream. Dream that I met my guy. We are happy together until one day he bought me to see his family. His mother welcomed me. Since it was already late, she offered a room for me to stay overnight. I was happy becoz she welcomed me to her family. Just by then, she went out, bringing my guy along. I was left alone in their house and prepared my self for bed. Just right before I’m ready to go to bed, I heard the front door. It was his dad. First time I met him. He was so surprised to see me in the house and quickly grabbed me on my arm. I was shocked to see his dad like that. He said, what was I doing in the house? He also yelled that I’m not supposed to be in here because I’m not a ‘muhrim’ to any members of the family. Then I cried. I said I was sorry. He then hit me so hard on my arms, I actually felt the pain. I cried louder. But he still hit me. I begged him to stop and told him that I will be heading home right now. I apologized for a thousand times. He said I can’t go anywhere till the mother and my guy gets home. He said I should be ashamed of myself. I cried so hard, I actually felt the hard pain on my chest. Suddenly, the front door opens, I saw him with his mother. As i was about to open my mouth to apologized, I suddenly woke up. In sweat. My heart was beating so fast, seems like I can still feel the pain being hit. Fuuhhh… glad it was just a dream…. What a nitemare! How come such a dream can make me feel like it’s just so real? [boleh rasa sakit tu biler bangun tidur.. or maybe kerja adik saya yang nak kejutkan saya dengan memukul2 lengan saya?] hehe~ But what the heck! Its just a dream after all…. Dream that will always remain a dream… [kes masuk tidur tak basuh kaki lah nih…]

*sigh* if only I can just let out this HUGE burden inside. It’s getting heavier day by day and maybe it’s the cause that is taking my celebration mood away…. Or maybe its because the time where people call it as moodswing~? Errr… guess I shouldn’t be writing during moodswing huh? *Ouch*